Creative Driving 101

I’ve been driving for longer than I care to remember. My first driving lesson was on the day I turned 18. The instructor met me at Queens College, where I was a student. He then had me maneuver up Kissena Boulevard and directed me up a ramp to merge

You want me to drive on THIS?

You want me to drive on THIS?

into the traffic on the Long Island Expressway! After the initial shock of getting on a major highway and accelerating to the appropriate speed, I settled down to the task at hand. Since then, I’ve driven many cars, over many roads, through different states and at various times of day. I’ve seen it all. Until now.

On the road today, I observe many drivers practicing what I call “Creative Driving 101.” I am shocked that there aren’t more accidents and more pedestrian casualties littering the streets. Here are some lessons that are part of the curriculum in this new course:

Stop Signs: No longer to be taken seriously, one can merely tap the brake when approaching or, even better, breeze right through. Give a cursory look to the left and right, and you’re good to go. One can think of them as “Pause” signs. While on foot, feel free to let your creative juices flow: Under the word “Stop,” insert one of the following: 1) wars, 2) and smell the flowers, 3) Bush, 4) Obama or 5) and frisk.

Be Creative!

Be Creative!

Right turns: One need not be in the right lane to execute this! Any lane will do. Look around you. Did you just witness that SUV in the left lane cut you off so he could make the right turn he missed his GPS command because he was switching his phone to bluetooth?

Red lights: also optional, especially if you’re out in the country where the only witness is a cow, or in the city, where it’s too frenetic for people to notice anyway. By the way, did you know that it has become customary to not only make a right turn on red, but a left one as well?

Video Game Driving: Mostly practiced by young men ages 18 to 35, this uses the skills acquired during the many hours of avoiding pitfalls, running from opponents and shooting enemies in video games. You’ve seen them. I have. Darting in and out of lanes. Squeezing between two cars while traveling at a speed of 70 mph. Looking up from the left lane to find that the exit a few hundred yards away is his destination, and executing wild maneuvers to get off.

Texting and driving: a no-brainer; you can do this any time the traffic is flowing smoothly.

I wonder if I can also whistle and pat my head at the same time?

I wonder if I can also whistle and pat my head at the same time?

Applying make-up, shaving or plucking one’s eyebrows: See above.

 

Driving makeup

That’s it for now; another time we’ll take a look at Shopping Etiquette.

2 Comments

  1. linda levine

    You take your life in your hands on the highway today! Arlene, you are riding high, definitely in top gear! You are so clever but also so right! ( turn)
    Roads full of rude retards. I’m glad I’m not driving anymore

  2. Larry

    one of your better musings. One could add many other edxamples ;but you surely got the point across

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