Annually, my close friend, Larry, sends a tongue-in-cheek holiday letter to his appreciative audience, of which I am a delighted member. Here is his latest:
Hello to friends and family.
This has been an odd year (2019 is an odd number) and many odd things have happened. For instance, there was a very short time between Thanksgiving and Christmas this year hence this letter could be late. For more odd things see the section of this letter titled ‘odd things’.
I am sure you want to hear about my family and what wonderful things we have done this past year.
Mimsy won a scholarship based on her macrame. We are very proud of her and her winning entry. She macramed her entire application. While it took her three months, fortunately she started early. The project took four pounds of wool and much sweat. While the wool was easily obtained the sweat was a problem. Thankfully, Amazon has several varieties of sweat and she chose cow sweat as cows are herbivorous and hence they have sweet sweat. She will have a double major in macrame and bargello.. We are so proud of her.
As for the rest of my family they did diddly squat. Imagine that. Not one damn thing to write about. Oh, wait a minute. My son, Reginald, did do something wonderful. At least according to him. What he did we do not know but he is damn proud of himself so we should be also. He is now 43 and recently told us he discovered that a checking account has to have money in it. Well, that’s understandable as he did not go to Business School.
Books I have read include:
Whew, A guide to Public Toilets in NYC … As one reviewer said “makes life worthwhile and keeps clothes clean and dry.”
Smack or bringing up Children in the Millennial Age … I found this quite interesting; it doubles as a door stop
Nothing is Wrong with our Educational System and other Fairy Tales: A Scholarly Approach to the Problem … A laugh a minute.
OOOGA BOOGA, The story of a Young Boy and Theories of Relativity … OMG, what a book. It was a page turner!
A Piece of Cake, Quantum Physic for The Masses … I learned how to cook a cake using photons and quarks. Now I have to learn what they are.
If you read any books you’d like to recommend to others mind your own business. Or, send them to
I G Nore/ 123 Main Street/Anytown USA
Have you ever been to Anytown? It is lovely and clean. The clock in the town square reads anytime and anyone you meet is your friend. Anyhow, anything goes as anybody there will tell you. Exercise for the reader. What would you pack for a three day trip to Anytown? Be specific and neatness counts. Send your entries to anyone you choose.
In keeping with my resolve to improve public speaking, here is a usage note on “woke” and “risen”: Woke is the present ridiculous; Risen is the past presumptive. Used together they are presumable ridiculous.
Finally the Section of ODD THINGS:
While walking in NYC the other day I bent down to tie my shoe and a pigeon shat just where my head would have been had I been standing! Coincidence or a happening? You decide!
Last night I dreamed I was running and my leg moved in my sleep. Coincidence or happening? You tell me!
While daydreaming at home a big Two came to me. I came out of my daydream and saw it was 4 o’clock. (two squared) Coincidence or happening? I’ll tell you!
Just as I said “Fine morning” to the Mrs. the other day, the mail came with a parking fine. Coincidence or happening? Nobody cares.
AND SO WE CLOSE OUR HOLIDAY LETTER WITH SINCERE WISHES THAT WE WILL HAVE A GREAT YEAR IN 2020.